This is not new, but grows worse with every year. This year is the worst. You pace the room, the house, your life, wondering what you are for. Not yourself, your individual self, per se, but you in more of an abstract, this Person who occupies the space that you also occupy. A historian, but not a brilliant one. A teacher, but not an inspired one. A liberal arts professor at a college that says it is a liberal arts college, but only cares about vocational training. A white person who should shut up and take a back seat. A white person who does shut up and takes a back seat but then is letting everyone else do the heavy lifting. A person who is not particularly special in any particular way, and anything special that she may have done gets overshadowed by how spectacularly un-special she is in all other ways. You are so, so, so tired in your body and bones and brain. And you really have no right to it.